The last few years have been an interesting journey for me.
The short story - LOL uh, if you've ever read my posts before, you know that's a loaded statement - involved me developing a disproportionate tie between my self-identity and the cycling I did; a gross over-compensation for a low sense of self-worth, perhaps. When the pandemic kicked the stool out from underneath everyone, it created the opportunity for some serious self-reflection ... something that took nearly four years to reconcile. What once drove me to generate 30,000 words-per-post in these pages was replaced with a vast emptiness, one that was filled with food as a coping mechanism for a loss of identity and the stresses of life which were no longer being exorcised with daily exercise. I needed to get myself back.
It should be said that "getting back" to something is often a trap for the middle-aged. I have to be very cognizant of that, because - well, what if what you were doing was actually bad? What if you could have been doing something even better, and you're now limiting yourself? What if that level of fitness wasn't all you could have achieved? ... but, if "getting back" to something is positive... e.g., like "getting back to being sober", for example ... then it isn't a bad thing at all.
Dramatics aside, let's set the stage right. It should be said that I didn't just wake up and decide to start making positive changes. Often times, we're lazy and don't know what's good for ourselves lest we're hit upside the head with it. Change of any kind is a slow process. It took the completion of my graduate degree to create a far stronger sense of self-worth and self-awareness that was, before, minimized by outside factors that I have only recently come to realize don't matter. It has taken therapy to further help blow the cobwebs out of my brain. It has taken improved nutrition, driven by a doctor's appointment come wake-up-call. It has taken a career change: not only to have the opportunity to work for a company that creates products that support my passions and get people across the globe moving and doing what they love, but to be in the sort of corporate environment, surrounded by strong, positive people (role models, if we think about it) that will support and enable that about which I am passionate. Further, the new job is closer to home, and has an infrastructure that better supports bicycling to work ... so, I was keen to start doing it anyways, and had done. But even with all of those pieces in place, it ultimately took the removal of my car - as has acted as a key motivator in the past - to throw the cards on the table and force me back into the saddle on a daily basis.
Since then, the last 40 work days of consistent, all-five-days-of-the-week riding to-and-from the office have begun a slow, positive transformation. While the number on the scale is very slow to respond at my age, there is progress happening. More than that, body measurements are beginning to change for the better: jeans are looser, the shirt not quite as tight in key locations as it had been only two months ago. The aches and pains that used to typify the end of my workdays are largely gone, replaced only by the small niggles indicative of the increase in exercise - which has included daily weight training and stretching to supplement to cycling. The desire to snack during the day is largely gone. The occasional stress-score peaks I would see on my wrist-based activity tracker during a typical work day are also gone ... and while the exercise certainly helps here, that is likely due to the positive environmental changes. Mentally, I feel a lot happier, a lot more even-keeled. I no longer have trouble falling asleep or getting up in the mornings ... even if the hour I rise these days is a couple hours earlier than it was only four months ago. Even though the office is close by, I have been adding miles in the mornings and evenings, just because. I have taken a lot of sunrise photos during my rides to work, and part of me can't help but see the metaphor in the appreciation. The future is very bright, indeed.
It's also clear I'm finding a strong love for the bicycle again. I never "hated it", to be clear - but, when one sets the stakes too high, the things we love can also become a trap. What I learned is important here: there is no score card. While I am keen to keep counting and keep a streak going, I won't advertise it much unless I happen to hit a big personal milestone again, like 80 days, or "a year", and only if I find a way to communicate it in an inspiring way. Right now it's 40 days.... and if it stops at 41 days, that's fine. No-one is keeping score, and - honestly - we all deserve to be a little kinder to ourselves as it is.
The counting will be done honestly, as ever, and as was done here. My current streak started on May 23rd when I returned to work after a short vacation to support the Audax KC Santa Fe 1,000km brevet ... ha, during which my car decided to eat its own transmission. Memorial Day was a day off, as was July 4th, neither of which I would have ridden or driven to work during, so, they aren't part of the "40" - same rule for the weekends, of course. So, while I haven't driven to work in 58 calendar days, some of those days I wouldn't have anyways. I've still driven a car for errands and family stuff on the weekends, of course, so I'm not completely car-free ... I just don't own one of my own, and honestly... considering the costs involved, I'm not sure I want to when I only live 3 miles from the office. That will certainly become a "problem" as soon as I get tired of riding long distance events that start within a few miles of home, of course, but that's why rental cars exist. ...or U-Haul's LOL.
Self-induced pressure removed, it should be said that while there shouldn't be a scorecard, goals are good. There's nothing wrong with setting big, scary goals if one has the correct perspective about them. Always ask, am I doing it for myself, or someone else? If I never hit "100-days" or get another R-12, or another SR-series, or even another 200km ... well, who cares? I have spent far too much of my life worried about measuring up to someone else's yardstick ... and for what? Will I still try to do some rad stuff? Absolutely ... and if I fail, well, I'll learn from it and I'll try again. Personally and professionally alike ... failure is always an option. It's what you do with that failure that matters. Once that pressure is removed, you'll be surprised what you can do.
Tactical stuff ... I still prefer panniers. I noticed that a lot of riders at the new workplace ride in with a backpack, and that works fine for them. As far as style, aerodynamics, and just the convenience of getting in and out of the building, the locker room, etc., backpacks make sense ... but on the couple of days I tried using the messenger bag or a backpack, my shoulders and neck paid the price, as well as my ability to look around while in traffic. Combined with my preference to ride in cycling gear and better control how sweaty I get, I don't need to re-learn that lesson from decades back ... panniers are the way for me. At the end of the day, I find riding longer distances on the other bikes in my stable seems far easier after a week of lugging around a heavier, less aero bicycle, for sure ... and, for those future touring adventures on my mind, well, it's good practice anyways.
I have also learned my new gig has a strong cycling culture. Within that, while some do ride to/from the office, most are performance-minded cyclists who choose to ride over lunch. Some do both, and some ride multiple times per day. Many are really, really strong riders, which can be intimidating. There is always that pressure - in any group dynamic from fishing to paragliding to running to freakin' crocheting quilts - to conform to societal and cultural norms, to fit in, to measure up, to use the "right tools", and that's normal, too. Also important to note -- unless they're telling you "you can't do Y because of X" or there exists some legitimate rule, much of that pressure to conform or measure up is self-imposed. So far, everyone has been more than welcoming, which is amazing. I'm just unapologetically a little "off", in a lot of ways ... and always will be.... but I have to remind myself that if I don't "fit in", it's only because I'm self-selecting. I still need to work on the bravery to show up, and that's on me... and that's been the case for commutes, fast weekday rides, and brevets alike for a few years now. The day is fast approaching where I will get over my personal fears and I will just "go", without worrying so much, and I'll try to hold a wheel, take a pull, and talk bikes, racing, commuting, 'cross, whatever you got. Even freakin' crocheting quilts.
Man, I love cycling, don't you?
So, there ... there's your in-depth (?) look at what the last 40 days of riding to-and-from work has done for me. More than anything, it feels good to be "back"... and we're just getting started.
Talk to you at the next milestone ... and thanks for reading!
Be good to each other, and if you see a cyclist out there, wave.
Let's go ride.
